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The pelvic-heart connection during sex

As paradoxical as it may sound: quite often we are not connected to our bodies during sexual activities. Neither with our pelvis nor with our heart. And this, while these are two areas that make our sexual experience really fulfilling and juicy in the first place. To begin with, a few words about our basic widespread physical absence during sex.

Sex without body connection

For many people, sex actually takes place in their mind and not in the body. This can happen in obvious ways, when our attention is in fantasies during a sexual act. Or in a more subtle way, when we briefly notice a touch, categorize it as good (=arousing) or bad (=not arousing), and then are immediately focusing on to the next step. On where our mind thinks the sensation should go. Without judging this as wrong, the result of it is that we are not in the moment and not in our full body sensation.

Reasons for our sexual absence

1. Many people have yet to relearn how arousal arises from within their own bodies. They build up their arousal on external images, shaped by pornography, our one-sided sexualized movie and advertising industry and the orientation on their social environment. On "what is hot and sexy" and not on what they individually perceive as hot and sexy. Our imaginations have a strong influence on our physical sensations, so it is possible to experience pleasure largely on the basis of our thoughts. Many people use this and for many their complete sexual experience consists of it. Also in my view, fantasies can be a great tool and toy in sexuality. However, if they are the only way into pleasure, I think the people involved are missing out on a great spectrum of wonderful experiential possibilities. Such an expansion is what this article aims at, not a rejection of sexual fantasies.

When we are used to base our pleasure on imaginations, we feel our imaginations more than what actually goes on in our bodies. It can happen that during sex we no longer notice our already somewhat sore genitals because we are so absorbed in the scenery of the hot sex goddess being desired and stimulated by several people in the middle of a large stage. Only after sex do we then notice the pain in our vagina. By the way, the same applies to the penis, which is also often overstimulated.

It often happens that people who normally fantasize during sex do not get aroused without their images. When they actually become present in their body awareness, what they feel there is often very frustrating. The way into body awareness at all and the healing of what is there is sometimes exhausting. Therefore, many prefer to drift back into the controllable world of thought.

2. Another reason that can cause us to pull our attention away from our body is pain. Instead of staying present, noticing the pain and either opening a healing space for it or changing something about the situation, we escape into thought worlds. These can be fantasy worlds, as above, but may also be everyday thoughts or thoughts of frustration, in the sense of "When will this finally be over?".

3. Surprisingly, even sensations of lust in our genitals can cause us to take our attention far away from our pelvis. I only recently became aware of this. And it makes perfect sense.

For women*, we collectively have a long way to go to properly stand by our pleasure and show it openly. And not the conditioned lust of the sexy woman in porn, but our real, vulnerable, authentic lust. The lust that we can't control ourselves and where we don't know what kind of person will come out of it afterwards.When this desire begins to move in our pelvis, our trained shame and conformity can easily cause us to drift away in order to avoid entering this unknown space that is often stored in our systems as dangerous.

Men* also do not want to show or identify with their authentic sexuality. They are afraid or feel shame to confront the perpetratorship that has been instilled in them. The power that feels so uncontrollable and could hurt if there is no counterpart to meet this power.

We have not yet experienced that our power can be held, and not rejected. That we can hold it ourselves and meet it with love and compassion. Our parents have rejected it. 'Don't be too much,' 'I can't stand you, scale back your intensity,' 'Don't come with your feelings, don't be complicated, hold back your truth.' These subtle statements, not always verbally expressed, all fall into devaluing our authentic sexuality. And all of these make us want to run away when we connect with that force during sex.

Our authentic sexuality is dynamically healing, accepts only truth, understands only absolute aliveness, wants to live it and demands it from the environment as well. Authentic masculine sexuality is a primordial force which, when it really breaks out, changes the world, Authentic masculine sexuality is a primal force which, when it truly erupts, changes the world, fights for absolute truth and aliveness. Just as female sexuality demands absolute love and deep connection, deep self-connection.

And since collectively we are not yet at the point that has room for all of that expression, we are still automatically scaling it back.

I advocate for fully embodied sexuality

Our sexual experience changes 180 degrees when we practice coming into full embodiment. We then no longer follow scheme X, which is sold to us by society as sex. Instead, we begin to feel that our bodies and our sexuality speak their own language, go their own ways, and open wonderful doors for us when we listen to them. We experience that we can enter states of pleasure and bliss, alone or with others, where it no longer matters for our sexual fulfillment whether or not we get into high arousal and orgasms. Sexuality begins to nourish us on entirely different levels. On mystical levels reserved to our body wisdom, which our minds can neither create nor control. To penetrate these, our heart is of very central importance.

Sexuality and Love

In my opinion, love is a basic prerequisite for a fulfilled sexuality. This does not mean that I have to marry the other person or make any kind of temporal or material commitment to them. I can love another human being intimately for a few hours and merge with them physically and then let them go completely.

If the sexuality takes place in the pelvis (even if it is fully embodied there) and is not connected to the heart, that can be a hot experience that is exciting. But I argue that this rather satisfies images and projections in us than our heart and our deep longing in sexuality.

This may seem a bit radical or one-sided to some, so beforehand: sex connected to the heart is not necessarily calm, slow and only very tender. It can be wild, ecstatic and horny. The difference is that these qualities then fall on a completely different breeding ground, because they happen in a space of deep connection. And since this is something we all long for, the fulfillment of it increases ecstasy and desire many times over.

But now back to the beginning: love is the basic prerequisite for fulfilled sexuality. And I also put the two in a clear hierarchy. Love is in the highest place, sexuality in its service. For sexual energy in itself has no clearly defined direction. It is pure life force, an incredible amount of energy that can be used both destructively and constructively. It can heal everything and destroy everything. At the moment, unfortunately, most people do not know how we can really channel it for the good and that is why it still causes a lot of suffering on earth. However, when sexual power is clearly used to express love, to create and increase love, it can transform everything.

The separation of genitals and heart

Even though embodied sexual experience takes place throughout the body, the two centers that are most important for generating and moving sexual energy are the pelvis and the heart. In the majority of people, the connection between them is not completely free and intact. It often takes going through layers of emotions and pain to unblock it.

Especially among women*, the beliefs " Love exists only without hot sex" and "Lust exists only without love" are widespread. This is also one of the reasons why we, as singles, can be absorbed in very hot sexual encounters and the desire shuts off as soon as we are back in a committed relationship where our heart is touched to a certain depth. The counterpart in people socialized as men is that feelings must have nothing to do with sex and that they must spare people they really love from their sexual power.

But feelings and sex and desire and love are incredibly closely connected and mutually enriching. If we can reintegrate these layers, our sexual experience will become much more colorful and diverse.

That's why I highly encourage re-establishing the connection between our heart and our genitals.

How do I unblock the pelvic-heart connection?

The most important element is courage. Because the opening of this channel is mainly blocked by old patterns and emotions. Having the courage to recognize these, to feel them, and to choose to let them go is what re-establishes the connection. And that also has consequences in changing our behavior, which in turn takes courage. And is definitely worth it.

Here's a non-exhaustive list of issues that might be blocking your pelvic-heart connection:

- Fear of feeling and showing your true feelings that are present now

- Fear of saying stop so as not to hurt or lose the other person

- Pressure to conform to a sexual image

- Shame to be seen in your pleasure or to experience yourself in it

- Fear of bringing your real desires and needs into contact and being rejected for them.

- Fear of being too much/dangerous and hurting with your sexual power

- Your devaluation of your very own sexuality, i.e. what sexuality means to you and your authentic expression of it

- Unfelt pain, anger, sadness, helplessness, frustration from old experiences where you did not stand up for yourself or where others overstepped your boundaries and did not take you seriously.

This may seem dark and perhaps overwhelming at first. As I said, it takes courage to go through these issues. But what emerges afterwards is so much brighter than what is now. Because whether we look at it or not doesn't change the fact that these parts live in and through us.

In a next article I will go step by step into how sexual healing happens and how we can find into more and more embodiment. I see this list as a first inspiration and guidance on how you can go on an opening journey with yourself by honestly turning to what resonates with you from it and letting it flow physically and emotionally through you and out of you. It is always helpful to be accompanied and witnessed in such processes, so I advise initiating someone you trust and embarking on the journey together or working through it in a therapeutic setting.

Conclusion: All it takes is embodiment and love

Even though the path can take us to many heights and depths, the summary of this article is brief.

In my opinion, these are the basic ingredients for healthy sexuality: embodiment and love. And then you can fill your sexlife with all the fantasies, practices and experiments you want and it will work for the benefit of your bodies, your hearts and the collective sexual field on earth.


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